What to Do When Avoidant Pull Away

It’s crushing when your avoidant partner disappears. But why are they doing it...and what can you do. 

On of the most disruptive things happening in avoidant- anxious relationships is when the avoidant partner suddenly disappears without an explanation. 

We want to understand their motives, explain how this hurts us, try harder but perhaps if we understand why they tend to do this we can rest at ease - or make some hard decisions that will benefit us. 

This podcast is meant to guide you if you're going through this or if you've gone through this. 

For my book - From Anxious to Secure - https://stan.store/DecodingAttachmentStyles/p/from-anxious-to-secure

For my mini online program - Boundary Bootcamp - https://stan.store/DecodingAttachmentStyles/p/boundary-bootcamp

To book a session with me - https://stan.store/DecodingAttachmentStyles/p/book-a-session-with-me-ui52g6pv

To Subscribe to School of Attachment - https://stan.store/DecodingAttachmentStyles/p/weekly-coaching-tools--strategies

Disclaimer: I am a certified coach with a psychology background, not a licensed therapist. The content I share is for educational and informational purposes and is based on Attachment Theory principles. I am currently funding and researching a personal project on attachment behaviors and feelings with 175 individuals. This page is not a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. Please use discernment and consult a qualified mental health professional for personal advice.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Decoding Attachment Style. I'm Annalisa Bahadur, and I am going to be walking you through why it is so crushing when your avoidance attached partner pulls away, especially if you've been in this relationship for a while and you have been going through the push and pull. We're going to break it down why they do this, why they just suddenly disappear, and what you can do about it. What are possible situations that you might be in? And what would be like the best way of you navigating this experience? So we're talking about those times when they're present, they're there. One minute it's wonderful, you could feel a connection, they're being vulnerable, and then the next moment they just disappear. Now, they don't give an explanation, and they're not giving you an answer that will help you feel like there's a closure coming, or it there is some closure. And you're left there wondering if you should reach out. You often think that if you do explain how you're feeling, maybe they're going to change. You wonder that maybe you're not explaining it quite the way that that's easy for them to appreciate what you're going through and how this is affecting the relationship. You really want things to work out. You want to have a happy and healthy relationship with them. But there's this feeling that it's not the right way to communicate or a form of communication. So you overthink it. What's the best approach? You're on social media, you're trying to find an answer of how best to get through to this person that you're dating so that they can appreciate where you're at, what you're feeling, understand you better, and come towards you to build a better, healthier connection. The thing is that avoidant attached people, they're not cold and they're not uncaring or even incapable of having a relationship, as many people, especially social media, would want you to believe. They just don't know how to communicate their needs. And it's for a number of reasons. They don't know how to be in a relationship. One, because they're afraid of the relationship suffocating them. What they believe is that if they get too close to someone, then that person is going to have certain expectations of them that they may not be able to deliver on. What they have learned in their childhood is that if they say they love you, then that comes at a cost. If they let you know how important you are to them, it comes at a cost. And they believe that it comes at the cost of losing themselves. They have learned a long, long time ago that in order for you to stay with them, they have to do what you want. They have to give up themselves. Another reason they pull away is that very fear of abandonment, which you're feeling. They feel that if they depend on you too much, you're going to know that and you're going to take them for granted. You're going to treat them like crap. So they pull away and they take care of themselves. They, the fear of vulnerability, like I mentioned, if they show you, there, this is their belief, if they show you how they feel, how much they care about you, how much they depend on you to be there, then you will use that to your advantage to make them do what you want them to do, to control them, to manipulate them and take them for granted. And the next thing you know, their fear is that they're going to be left to your consideration without having any independence or control of their own self. The push and pull cycle. If you're in and you have been in a relationship with an avoidant attached person, especially if you were never able to set boundaries, then you're going, you must have been, or you are in that push and pull cycle where one moment everything's great, the next moment it's not. It can be really confusing for people who have never been in a dynamic like this before, although I do doubt that because if we've dated an avoidant attached in our younger days, we tend to be attracted to that personality, but the degree of it would be different. Or maybe you didn't get to know them long enough, but that's for another time. The push and pull cycle, what that does is they push you away when they feel like things are getting too intense and they're losing themselves. They're not pushing you away, they're pushing away the expectations of this relationship or feeling like they have to be accountable for anything. And it's really this is what they're doing. They're pulling themselves back for just a little bit to remind themselves that I'm in control of me, that I'm not being sucked into this relationship, that I've still got my priorities right, that this person that I really like and I want this person to be in my life, they're not taking over and I'm losing myself. I need to pull myself back so that I can make sure that I'm achieving my goals in career or school. I could still hang out with my buddies. I can still, you know, have that hobby that I like and spend time with this person that I like as well. So it would the that's what happens when they pull away from you. But when they come back in would be at a time when they've had enough alone time. And now they're seeing that, wait a second, yes, I'm grounded, I've got my priorities, I'm not feeling controlled, I'm feeling safe in the relationship. I remember I like this person. This person's not a threat. I could get out of my head now, and I reach out to that person. And what you're what you're going through is this excitement that when they come back, which is what you've been longing for, it feels so darn good. And you stay in that cycle. Why do you stay in the cycle? Because when they pull away again, you already know that it's only a matter of time for them to come back. But while they're away, it's incredibly uncomfortable. So it's kind of like a reward system, punishment and reward. You know there's a reward coming, and that's what you're getting hooked to. You're hooked on the reward that's coming. Now, they don't deliberately do this. It's a very unconscious thing, a subconscious thing. A lot of people are out here again saying that, you know, that the avoidant attached person, they're horrible beings, they're playing games. Their behavior, just like the anxious attached, is coming from deep-rooted fears, and neither one of them is quite aware of how their actions affect the other person. When an anxious attached person blows up an avoidant attached person, they don't see it as overwhelming. They see it as, I'm proving my love, I'm proving that I'm never going to leave you. And I'm proving this so that you could come into the relationship and give me what I want. The avoidant attached person is also unaware to some degree of how pulling away affects the other person. They know it affects the relationship, but they don't quite know how it hurts you because they've spent forever learning how to self-soothe and regulate their own emotions. So they believe that you could do the same thing. You see, that's what we do as human beings. We project ourselves onto everybody else. So when they pull you in is going to be the time when they feel safe and in control of their emotions. When they push you away is when the relationship or you start to become a little too demanding or controlling. And what does that look like or depressuring? What does that look like? That is when you might be asking, what's the status of this relationship? Let's say you've only been dating for about a month, and now you want to know, what are we? And they're wondering, well, what do I say to this person? I'm enjoying getting to know them, but I don't know them enough to commit to something like a full-blown relationship. So what do I say to this person? I've got to pull away and try to figure out what to say. Or you've been together for quite a while now and you want to get married, and then suddenly they're in their heads wondering, what does this look like? This is a big step. Are we going to buy a place together? Maybe I like my own space. Maybe it's going to cost me too much. What are the expectations? And they pull away. So this is why we we've seen over and over again that those with avoidant attachment style will tend to shut down and pull away at uh big life-changing events. But they will return after they've had some time to get into their heads, process what they're feeling, make sense of it, and return to you. They will return at some point, but you've got to be able to give them some space. If this is a relationship you want to work, this is really only if you want the relationship to work. You always have agency. You get to choose if this is something that you could see yourself doing. There's some avoidantly attached people who are emotionally immature and unable to meet your needs. They're going to throw tantrums, they're going to push back, they're never going to listen to you, or, you know, try to understand where you're coming from. They just, they're just in this mindset of me, me, me. And then there are those, and in my practice, I find them to be more leaning dismissive, who are very insightful, but they need some time to process these thoughts before they could come back. There's always realization, always accountability. They may not always say it, but you'll notice changes in their behavior that tells you this person gets it. And those are the ones who are more emotionally mature. Now, I've had people say, well, an avoidant attached person cannot be emotionally mature. That is for a whole other podcast. However, what I want to put in here is that there's a difference between emotional maturity, emotional availability, and emotional awareness. And we can all learn all three of these. So let's get back to the topic. An avoidant attached person can create intense emotional connections that will make you think that they're your person. How do you know if they are your person? What's really happening here? The avoidant attached person is highly independent. And this can be really refreshing. We like people who can manage themselves. We admire that. The avoidant attached, they seem very well put together, like they've got their priorities right. They're building their lives, they've got goals that they're achieving. The anxious attached person is generally the helper in relationships. They're they're supporters, they're rallying you on. And because they tend to do that, they tend to neglect themselves more. The avoidant attached person knows that they have to take care of themselves. They believe that they cannot depend on someone else. And so they are go after their goals, they try to achieve their goals, which can be very attractive for someone who has an anxious attachment style. So they may just feel like your person. There are going to be moments of vulnerability. These moments are very rare and they're going to seem to you very precious and sacred. And so you want to wait out, or the anxious attached person will want to wait out the negative feelings in the relationship and look forward for these short bursts of closeness through vulnerability. Makes you feel like we're building something here. And so you stay on and you think, you know what, this is my person because I get them. They pull away, but they always come back, and I get them. There is the intermittent reinforcement, that hot and cold that creates a sort of a trauma bonding. You're looking forward to the little bit of affection. And like I said earlier, it's where you understand that there is pain right now. It's uncomfortable, but there is a reward. And so your body gets used to looking forward to that reward because it feels so good. That's the dopamine hit that we talk about. We know it's uncomfortable, but I'm just going to wait it out and then it's going to feel great. When it comes to communication, if when the avoidant attached person pulls away, you may feel like you need to get them right now and explain your situation. Explain what you're feeling, explain how much this hurts you, how much it's hurting the relationship, and perhaps they're going to get it. And you believe this because you believe this is who you are. You're going to sit and you're going to listen to your partner, your partner's complaints, and you're going to try to reach them where they're at and make things better. An avoidant attached person may tend to shut down or run away when you share how unhappy you are in the relationship or how uncomfortable you are in the relationship. And the reason for that is they grew up believing that no matter what they did, was it was ever going to be good enough. They grew up having relationships before you where they had partners with the same complaints. Unless we do some massive healing work and change our patterns, the line of people that we've left in the past will all have similar stories about us because we remain the constant. So they have heard the same complaints. They've heard, oh, you go distant, you do the hot and cold, you're playing games, you're manipulative, you don't know how to be in relationships, you're not emotionally available. They've heard it all. And those remarks were followed by people getting upset and those people walking away from them. So what they're hearing you say to them when you bring up your grievances is you're a crappy partner, you're not good enough, you're not worth my time and effort. And if you're not this partner that I love and I admire and I'm grateful for and I respect, then guess what? I'm going to leave. So what do they do? They leave you before you have a chance to walk out on them because they suspect it's coming. And why would they not? Because if you're unhappy with someone, if you're unhappy with something, you're already checking out. We all do this. We we're in these unhappy or unhealthy relationships, and we're questioning it, and we're already asking ourselves, what am I doing here? Why am I still tolerating it? Those questions, they're not just floating around in our heads. We're asking them because we're looking for a way out. And as silly, stupid as we may think avoidance are, I've been doing this long enough to know that these people may be quiet, but man, can they read a room? Man, can they read human personalities? And the reason is because they're quiet and they're listening and they're watching. They've been doing this all of their lives. They know how to read people. So if we think that we're gonna say to an avoidant, hey, if this doesn't change, I'm gonna leave, with the hope that they're gonna step up. All they're hearing you say is, this is not a safe relationship. I'm gonna have to give you what you want or you're going to abandon me. And I know, I know. I I was an anxious attachment for many, many decades. And so I know that actually it was a couple of decades, um, but I know that we tend to make these innocent threats with the hope that the person is going to, you know, reconsider their their moves. And maybe they'll realize that, oh my gosh, if I lose this person, then my life is going to go crumbling. And we hope that we could provoke some sort of healing and growth within them, some sort of awareness, realization so that they could work, fight for the relationship. That's not what they're hearing. They're hearing what they've always heard. If you don't do what I want, I'm going to leave. And so they've learned to step back and start their healing journey before you have the opportunity to reject them. For an avoidant attached person to really change their patterns, two things will have to happen. They're going to have to acknowledge to themselves, not to you, not to anybody else. They have to know for themselves and say, these patterns are unhealthy, and I need help to heal. They have to choose that help. I know a lot of people come to me and ask, how do I get my partner to change? How do I get my partner to go to therapy? Think about kids. We're rebellious. Even as adults, we don't like to be told what to do, when to do it, how to do it. We need to come to our own realization. And I've got the question often so, how do I get them to go to therapy? Well, you start to let them know that you're working on your healing, you're going to therapy. What you're seeing in your patterns that disrupt a relationship that you're working on. And perhaps they will pause and say, wait a second, yes, I have similar patterns that affect me and affect my relationships. Perhaps I can give this therapy thing a chance. But telling someone that they need to do work on themselves, what that does again is tell them, you're pretty much saying to someone that you're flawed. I'm perfect, you're broken. And they wonder, then why do you want to be with me? People want to be with us when we respect them, when we show them that we're grateful for them, that we're happy being with them. They don't, we don't want to be around humans who make us feel less than ourselves. It's not a nice position to be in. So they have to acknowledge on their own and choose for themselves to go into therapy. You can force them, you could threaten them, and they probably will temporarily go. They're going to resent you for it, and they're only showing up because you've threatened them. But the moment they feel comfortable again, they stop. And who knows, they may just lie to their therapists as well. So it's always best to let people choose on their own and you decide if this is someone you want to be with or not. The other thing that's going to have to change in order for them to change their patterns is you need to change yours. You have to be able to set boundaries. You have to be able to say, you're a grown up. I want to date a person who's a grown up. I want to date someone who is responsible, who could take accountability, who can be consistent. And when you behave this way, you're not the person that I'm signing up to be with. And I'm going to step Away and give you some time to think about this, but I'm not going to be in a relationship that has these components to it. What I find is a lot of us are parenting our partners. A lot of us are talking to our partners like their children. Oh, you know, this really hurts my feelings, and I wish that you would talk to me. No, no, no. Boundary, empathy is light and all that kumbaya stuff. And I'm all for it. I'm all for empathy. But boundary is equally important. It is the darkness to the light. You cannot have one without the other. It is the anger, the anger that says, you don't get to treat me this way. I love you and I care about you, but I love me and I care about me too. And you do not get to treat me this way. And that there is giving them the map. It's giving someone the map of how to show up for you. But if you're constantly babying their feelings, treating them like a child, but expecting them to be an adult, then you're kind of raising a brat. And you've got to decide: do you want to be, do you want to be raising a brat in your relationship? You want this person to show up as an emotionally available, healthy, aware individual. You've got to treat them that way and let them know that this is what you're expecting of them. Is an avoidant attached person your person? If you're dating this person and they have an avoidant attachment style, is it your person? They may be your person, but they're not ready for you. I like to say that, you know, people will say, oh, this person is my soulmate. Of course, they might just very well be your soulmate. I believe in that kind of thing. But you still have to choose each other. You know, in in my culture, a part of my religion, we believe that you have nine soulmates, and all of them are coming to bring a lesson to you. And then there's some people who are just a lesson. They're teaching you how to show up for yourself, they're teaching you how to listen to understand other people and appreciate that they're different than you are, and ask yourself: can I be with a person who is different? Can I be grateful for what they do bring into my life? Where do I need to set boundaries? How do I love myself? How do I show myself that I respect me? And then there are avoidant attached people like my partner, who I absolutely adore, who's been working on his healing, who is able to communicate, who's capable of being in a committed relationship, who initiates growth and momentum in our relationship. And these are individuals that they're not going to rush into a relationship. We've been together for five years. It's taken us a while to feel safe with each other, to know that we can talk about things that affect us and show up, give each other time and space to process stuff and show up. But communication has been incredibly important, but not as important as the root of this, which was to heal our wounds so that we could show up for ourselves. He's pretty good at setting boundaries, which lets me know what's allowed and what's not allowed. What is he okay with and what is he not okay with? I had to learn how to set boundaries as well. So these are relationships that can work. It depends on who you're dealing with and how this person's showing up. Even in a secure attached relationship with an avoidant or with an anxious, a secure attached person is not going to move fast into a relationship. They know humans can be very tricky. So they give it time. So if your partner is avoidant attached and you're wondering if it's your person or not, it depends on how this person is behaving in the relationship. And if they're able to show up for you in any way. If they're not, maybe it's just a lesson. If they're in a situation, and or if you're calling it a situationship, chances are might be a great person for you, but not the right time. What do you do when you want to leave a person who's flaky? Now, this can be anyone who is anxious, attached, or avoidant attached. Both persons can be iffy in relationships, depending on how safe they feel. Generally, people feel safe, jump into the relationship. If they're not feeling safe for whatever reason, they have to decide. You will have to decide if you want to stay with this person or leave. And if you're choosing to leave, what you're gonna have to do is grieve what you hoped could have been. Grieve what you hope could have been. Accept that this relationship as it is in reality is not what aligns with your needs and your wants and your desires. Let it go and choose yourself. Start working on your healing. Go no contact, but not with the hope that they're going to have some miraculous realization and come back. Go no contact and start digging into your own healing. Know that you deserve the kind of relationship that you're saying that you want. You're saying it. You're saying I don't deserve to be in a relationship that's hot and cold. You're saying that I don't deserve to be in a relationship with somebody who just disappears, who vanishes. You're saying that I deserve someone who is consistent and reliable and loving and compassionate and aware. You're saying it. So live it. I have enjoyed sharing this with you because so many of us are out here confused as to does this person love me when they pull away? Do they care about me when they pull away? And I'm here to help you understand a little bit about what the avoidant attached person is going through in their minds. And I'm also here to say it is not on you. You could understand your patterns and choose are you going to stay in this or can you leave? And how do you do that? Until the next episode of Decoding Attachment Styles. I'm Annalisa Bahadur.