Decoding Attachment Styles
I talk about the push and pull and the anxious spiral that so many of us have experienced in one or more relationships. I've had my share of these experiences and I learned to heal my anxious attachment.
On this podcast I share everything I know from text books, to observations and my personal research on the topic as I live and breathe it.
As a kid, I got into trouble for asking why questions. It was considered rude to question an adult but I always wanted the reasoning behind what was being asked or expected me, and how the world and the people in it worked. It's helped me over the decades pick up some interesting things about people with different attachment styles.
The first thing I noticed was - and this is how I imagined it - everyone got a script on how to be for their own survival. And there are four scripts - Anxious, Dismissive and Fearful avoidant, and the Secure attached.
There is a particular way they behave, interact, speak, solve problems, write a text, walk, sit, eat, gain success or never do...and when you see it you won't be able to unseen it.
I'm sharing everything I know and if you find this topic fascinating, or you just need to understand why your partner, parent, sibling, friend or whomever act in ways you just can't understand - welcome.
Decoding Attachment Styles
Latest Episodes
Why Avoidants Tell You What You Want to Hear
Are the manipulating you by telling you what you want to hear? It's a lot deeper than this and this episode breaks it down.
How to tell the Difference Between Anxiety and Anxious Attachment
Today I'm answering three questions I get asked constantly. And I picked these three on purpose, because they build on each other. The first one is the controversial one: can a fearful-avoidant actually have a successful relationship WITHOUT go...
What to Expect When Anxious and Fearful Avoidant Start to Heal
If you ever thought healing your attachment was impossible - here are two other people who were able to do it. Today I did something I never did before - I had a discussion with who I have witnessed working on healing their attachme...
What to Do When Avoidant Pull Away
It’s crushing when your avoidant partner disappears. But why are they doing it...and what can you do. On of the most disruptive things happening in avoidant- anxious relationships is when the avoidant partner suddenly disappears wit...
What To Look For When Dating An Anxious Attached
You may have been dating and anxious attached and they seem put together. They are not the needy and clingy ones you heard about. They don't remind you of your ex who was needy and clingy. You might even think you're being tricked. Are they man...
Fan Mail
Hello, I’ve been learning about attachment styles recently, and your insights have been so helpful. My ex seemed to have an avoidant attachment style, though at times, I felt he was also anxious. We were long-distance (I’m in Chicago, he’s in the Netherlands) and dated for over a year. He was under a lot of stress from work and finishing his master’s, often saying he felt behind in life. I think he took that frustration out on me. During one call, he was being mean, so I ended the conversation. He called me seven times back-to-back, but I didn’t engage because it felt too negative. I later sent him a voice note asking why he had changed so much, but he ghosted me. I gave him over a week, but when he never replied, I broke up with him via WhatsApp because communication is the foundation of a long-distance relationship. In the beginning, he was extremely sweet sending flowers, doing thoughtful things, and even cleaning when he visited. But over time, he got too comfortable, stopped putting in effort, and became cold. Being in a relationship with someone avoidant feels mentally abusive, and it’s exhausting when they won’t address their issues. I can empathize to a point, but as adults, we need to handle things better. This is my first time dealing with heartbreak, and experiencing this at 45 has been overwhelming. It feels extreme and hard to navigate. Is it possible for someone to be both dismissive and anxious? And is it normal for someone to go from being so deeply engaged to completely shutting someone out? Do you have any advice or resources for understanding my own
Brooklyn, New York