Why Avoidants Tell You What You Want to Hear

Are the manipulating you by telling you what you want to hear? It's a lot deeper than this and this episode breaks it down. 

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Decoding Attachment Styles. Today I want to talk a little bit about some of the things that we're seeing on social media about avoidant attached persons. And I want to give an explanation as to why they may behave the way they do at times. The reason for this podcast is to bring about awareness. You have a choice in whether you stay with someone who is avoidant attached or anxious attached. And not every individual with one of these insecure attachment styles is someone that you need to shut down or run away from. A secure attached person could very well be with someone who's got an avoidant or anxious attachment style, depending on where that person is on their healing journey. If they've been doing any work to heal their past wounds and show up in a healthy relationship. And the reason a secure attached person can do that is because they don't have these labels put onto people. They just see a person as whether they're ready for a healthy relationship or not. And they choose if they can communicate with this person and eventually see some results, and that's how they set their boundaries, or they will choose to walk away and you know just say, This does not work for me. So the reason for the podcast is to bring about some awareness, help you understand why people behave the way they do, so that you don't take it personally, but you could also at the same time say, hey, you know what, this is your behavior, I get it, it just does not work for me and is not in alignment with what I want for my future. So today we're talking specifically about avoidant attached persons. And before I get into it, if you have not yet hit the subscribe button, I would ask you to please go ahead and do so. I'm incredibly grateful. What this does is it helps the algorithm to push this kind of content off to people who want to learn more about attachment style. So before any further ado, we are going to get into why avoidant attached people sometimes tell you what you want to hear. Now, I like to go back to childhood where we learned the tools and the strategies that we needed to get our parents to do what we wanted them to do so that we could feel safe. Or in a case of an avoidant attached person, they learned how to survive on their own, you know, regulate their own emotions, or even shut them off, as in the case with a dismissive attached person, so that they could survive without depending on someone to be there for them. They have learned in their childhood that if they don't say or do what other people expect of them, those people will get angry with them, punish them, and as a child, a punishment looks like putting them on a timeout. Some kids were unfortunate to be physically abused by parents, and so they have learned that okay, you know what, if I don't say what this person wants me to say, I'm gonna be punished. In adult relationships, it looks like passive-aggressive behaviors or threats that you know partners may say things like, if you don't do this, I'm gonna have to leave, or I'm not happy with you, I need someone who could show up for me. So they have learned to say what you want, and you'll find a lot of times they'll say, Oh, I don't remember saying this. Or, and that's because they're telling multiple people different stories. Anything that will make that person like them or not punish them and want to stay with them. Now, are they deliberately doing this to hurt you in most cases? No, they're just doing it because this is the thing. Saying what I need to say to someone else is going to get me the relief that I'm looking for, the safety that I'm looking for. Now, let's move on to avoidant attached people telling you what you hear what you want to hear because they want everyone to like them. We're human beings who study others. Everyone does this. An anxious attached person, when they go out with someone the first time, they are picking up on every bit of information. They're going to hear that person say, Oh, I like a particular chocolate. They store that in their memory, and 10 months down the road, when it's that person's birthday, they find exactly the chocolate that the person says. We study human beings because we want to give them the thing that's going to keep them with us. And this happens for the insecure attached style person. You're collecting information so that you could become the kind of person who will not be rejected. And so, in the first few months of getting to know someone, and that this is why in the dating stages of an anxious and an avoidant attached person, three to four months, you start to get a little, or you feel a little more relaxed with the person, and you you're not so careful. And this is where people start to, the anxious attached start to lose their patience. They're not as patient as they were before. And the avoidant attached start to feel like, okay, I could, I could take some space without communicating this because I've shown up so much. This person must know that I'm interested. But the first three months or so, we are being our absolute best selves because we want to be liked. So we're collecting all of the information. What does this person like? What is it they don't like? I'm not going to do the things they say they don't like, I'm going to keep doing the things that they do like. Again, is this deliberate manipulation? No. This is our subconscious that has learned through millions of experiences over our lifetime that these are things that we need to remember and act accordingly on so that the people around us will accept us. Now, how about the avoidance attached person that will tell you what you want to hear because they are scared of you getting angry? And I touched on this a little earlier. This fear again comes from childhood, learning that if I don't tell you what you're hoping, I would say, or what you expect, I would say, I'm going to be punished some way or the other. You're probably going to, you know, in childhood, it's you send me to my room, I get hit, I get embarrassed, I get left home, I get left out of the fun. But there's a punishment of some sort. So now as I grow older, I've learned that in relationships, I better say what I what this person wants me to say. If not, they're going to punish me in an adult way. They're probably not going to text me back, they're probably going to be cold, they're probably going to see other people, they're probably going to threaten me that they're going to leave. Whatever it is, it's going to be scary. So I have to say what this person wants me to say, or I'm in trouble. How about the avoidant attached person who tells you what you want to hear because they want you to like them and not lose respect for them? You have an ideal version of them in your head. And as an anxious attached person, you tell them all the things you love about them. Oh, I love that you're so strong and you're so independent. You're such a great friend, that you do this thing so well. And now they need to live up to your expectations of them. Because what they suspect is that you like them and you respect them because you've put them up on this pedestal. And what that does is eventually it becomes too much of a pressure. They can't live up to the expectations you have. And so, in some cases, they're going to say what you want to hear, but it's not necessarily the truth. So let's use an example like uh work. Maybe you think that they're great at what they do, but they don't feel like they are. They feel inadequate at work. They probably want to quit their job and try something else. But now they're afraid. If I leave this job, or even if I say my job sucks, this person's going to think less of me. They're going to respect me less. Or let's say you just think that they're incredibly strong, that they could handle everything, but they're human beings and they can't. They're struggling. They're not going to be able to share their struggles with you because they know that you respect the person who you think they are, and that is someone who manages life absolutely well. So what they've learned to do is hide a part of themselves that they are now ashamed of and afraid that if they show you, you're going to lose respect for them. You know, if you, if any of this is resonating with you, any of this is helpful to you, two things I'm going to ask you to do that really helps me. One, share it with someone that you think it might be helpful to. And the other one is there's a space here where you could leave a comment and let me know what your thoughts are. Or you could even leave a question and then later on you'll see a new podcast on it. But in the meantime, while you consider that for me, I'm gonna I'm gonna say, let's just continue with this topic. What about the avoidant detached person who I'll tell you what you want to hear? Because they are people pleasers. And this comes from them wanting to be liked, them being afraid of being abandoned. The people pleaser in us, it's how can I become what this other person wants and needs so that they stay with me? I don't want everyone to leave me. I don't want to feel like I'm broken and I can't show up for other people. So I'm gonna suffocate my own needs, I'm gonna suffocate my own feelings. For an avoidant attached person, I'm not gonna ask for space because everywhere, society and oh my gosh, across social media, they're saying to ask for space is or someone who asked for space is broken. I've got to tell you, a secure attached person will have a number of priorities and obligations. And as a human being, as one human being managing so many things, it can get incredibly overwhelming. Now, when I was anxiously attached, my person of interest, my partner, was the most important, and that's the person who was prioritized above my health, above any any form of self-care, above my children, unfortunately, above my purpose, above anyone, you you've you got a picture. As I started to become more securely attached, I had a number of priorities. And I have a number of priorities. No one is a absolute priority, and that is because I'm not moving from a place of what is urgent so that I can be liked. What I mean by that is if my kids need me, I'm not rushing to help them because I'm afraid if I don't do it, my kids are gonna stop loving me. Or if my partner needs me, I'm not rushing to help because I'm scared that if I don't show up in time, he's gonna find somebody else. I move from a place of what the priority is right now. If the priority is my partner, then he gets my attention. If the priority is my work at that moment, the work gets the attention. So there are a number of priorities. And what happens when you're someone, and I'm going to use me as an example, as some of you might be able to see it, some of you may not. I'm a mother. I have four kids, three of them live outside of the country. That alone is a task. I've got a job which is purposeful, and it is my career. I have a partner, I've got three incredibly close friends, siblings. There's a lot going on, and there's only so much a human being can take on. So at the end of the day, sometimes I just want some time to relax by myself. The difference is as an anxious attached person, I would not have paused, I would have kept going and going and eventually get to a point where I get snappy and passive aggressive because everybody else should appreciate that I'm really busy, but I'm not asking for some time and I'm not explaining to them that, hey, this little human being can only do so much. Or, you know, just keep showing up and until I burn out completely, and we don't know what could happen there, self-sabotaging and a ton of other things, resentment. Now, as a secure attached person, I can easily say I've had a really difficult day and I need a half an hour downtime without the fear of somebody not liking me, somebody abandoning me, somebody not appreciating. And when you become securely attached, you start to recognize that those people who can't respect you are going to be the ones who throw a tantrum when you ask for a little alone time. And then you've got to ask yourself, do I really need this kind of energy in my life? Do I really want this kind of person in my life? Someone who is unable to respect my space right now or the need for a little bit of space. And that's a difference between someone who's securely attached and someone who's avoidant attached. An avoidant attached person gets caught up with the fear of being abandoned. And instead of speaking up and asking for a little bit of space to breathe and reassuring their partner that they're going to come back maybe in an hour or so, they start to get scared that if I ask for space or I need space and I'm overwhelmed, but if I ask for it, this person's going to get upset. So it's best for me to pull away and leave them while I take care of myself. And that's where the big the issues are. It's really in communication. So they pull away because of that fear of speaking up, and a fear of if I speak up, I'm going to be abandoned. And so, yeah, the whole people-pleasing thing comes from this fear of being abandoned. If you want to be securely attached, and and all attachment styles can be healed, if you want to be securely attached, you must be able to communicate what you want while considering a partner's feelings. It doesn't mean neglecting yourself. If you'd like to have any more information on the work I'm doing, any of the books that I've produced, there is a manual being released today on how to heal an avoidant attachment style. It's got 90 days, nine zero days of tools and strategies to move you from being avoidant attached into secure attached. I've spent lots of months on this. It is on the website. The website is analysebahadur.com, or you could find it on my stand store, which you would also find a link to on my website. Until the next episode, I'm your host, Annalisa Bahadur.