What To Do When Partner Can't Give You What You Need

It is frustrating when a partner can't give you what you need especially after they promised or implied they could. 

We try to change them - or their mind. 

We hope they can change and become the person we thought they were when we first met. 

We struggle with the fear of the relationship ending, lashing out with hurtful words, doing things that causes more damage - and then regretting them all when we are calm. 

This episodes walks you through what you can do before the damage is done. 

Breathing tips as promised in this episode -

• Practice 5 minutes a day and build from there
• Focus on your breathing and learn its natural rhythm before you do anything. 
• Intentionally breathe deeply - in and out. 
• Ask your doctor about box breathing exercises and if it's right for you. This is great for calming the nervous system and helping us respond with clear intentions instead of reacting.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to Decoding Attachment Styles. For those of you who have been supporting this channel for as long as it's been on, I think about two years, thank you very much for still being here and your emails and all of them. I truly appreciate them. For those of you who are new, this channel is about attachment styles and decoding exactly what goes on in the minds of those who've got a different attachment style than ours, different attachment style than ours, but also to help us become a little bit more aware of our own attachment style and how it shows up in our everyday life and affects us and how we could take control. One of the things I want to share today is kind of on the fly, it's about breathing and how breathing has helped me over the last few years in remaining to some degree calm during relationship tensions. Now, it doesn't always kick in. The thing is when you've been anxiously attached for a number of years or decades, it is going to be difficult to change patterns. And what I want to talk about just a little bit is the importance of doing the work to change the behavior, to change the mindset, and to adapt new patterns that will help us to become this secure, attached individual that we all want to be. We can get the theory, we could read all the books, we could become super aware, but nothing's going to change until we start to change these behaviors. We're not going to see the life that we want. We're not going to experience the joy and the peace and the happiness that we're all searching for. If we have all the information, but we continue to do the same thing every day. Let's talk about what it's like when we're dating someone who's got a different attachment style. We don't understand them. And we're still in this space of trying to beat the mango tree and ask it for apples. Right? Because that's what's happening in most of these relationships. We're getting into a relationship, and the person looks, they're showing up as someone who seemed to be able to give us what we're looking for in relationships, what we need. And most of us, we look at the person and we assume that they're going to be able to provide this thing just because they've shown us a few examples of how they could show up. And it's kind of like it's like looking at a tree and you haven't really examined it, you've not gone really close to it, it's not even bearing fruit as yet, but we're assuming that this has got to be an apple tree. It looks like it's an apple tree. And then after a while of getting to know it, we start to see the first bud. And we're probably still thinking, oh, this is definitely an apple tree. It's an apple tree. I wanted an apple tree all my life, so this must be an apple tree. And then after some more time, we start to see a fruit that doesn't quite look like an apple tree, uh, an apple. But we're still kind of negotiating with ourselves, maybe it is an apple. Then what happens next? We get a mango. And now we're like, okay, no, the tree promised me apples. The tree looked like it was going to give me apples, and now I'm really upset and I'm so disappointed because gosh, I don't want the mango. I don't even want to try the mango. I don't want to taste the mango. I don't care if the app the mango is good for me. I don't want a mango, but now I'm going to try to make the mango into an apple. And that's what we do with these attachment styles repeatedly. First, we get into the relationship, and it looks like the person can give us what we need. But we're only seeing the leaves, we're only seeing a few things here. After a while, that's when we start to suspect that the person may not be able to give us exactly what we want. But instead of listening to that, we kind of hang around, you know, just in case, just in case things change, just in case, oh my god, I hope to God I get the apple and not the mango. And then we, after a longer period of time of getting to know this person, you're seeing all sides of them, we see that, oh my God, they're not exactly what I was hoping for. Now we want to be able to get to a place where we look at the individual and say, you know what? You're wonderful. You're you're still a wonderful apple tree, you're great. However, what you're giving to me isn't what I'm looking for. It's not what I need. I'm allergic to apples. I'm just allergic. As other people are not allergic, but I am, and this is not working out for me, and I need to leave. But what we do instead is we stay in the relationship, we stay with the apple tree, and we're hoping to God it's someday going to give us what we want. We're hoping to God that someday it is going to give us the mangoes that we're hoping for. And that never happens. It never happens. So it's not a seed that you are planting. You are not planting the seed. The seed has already been planted a long time before you came into the picture. The seed was planted in their childhood. You're just meeting the tree right now. And the tree has been there for a very long time. It's always been an apple tree. You just didn't know it. The person has always been an avoidant attached person, might have been fearful, avoidant, might have been anxiously attached, dismissive avoidant, or it might have been an anxiously attached person. They have always been that person. But we're not taking ownership. We're not taking accountability for ourselves. And we're not saying, wait a second, I need to take my time, or I should have taken my time to get to know this person. So I want to encourage us to take our time getting into relationships. If you're not in one or you're now getting into one of them, take your time. A person starts to reveal themselves about three to four months after you've met them. That's when they start to relax. At the beginning of it, everybody's showing up in their best selves. It's like going for a job interview. You learn everything about the job. You show up in the best possible way. You're listening, you're listening to everything this person says because, on a deeper level, you're already collecting information that you're going to need so that you could provide what this person needs or stay away from what they don't want because you really want them to like you. You really want them to choose you. And they're doing the same things. They're doing exactly what you're doing. They're saying exactly what you need to hear because they want you to like them. It's not, you know, I think I read somewhere that you a human being will manipulate about 500 times a day. Every human being does it. But it's, is it manipulation with the intent to hurt? No, it's a manipulation with the intent to survive. The way we dress when we show up for the first date, it's a form of manipulation. If we really didn't care, we'd just be showing up however. But most of us put a little bit of effort into going out on dates, as we should, as we should. However, if we're only going to do it for the first three to four months, and then after that, we just carry ourselves. However, it was a form of manipulation to get that person to see you in a light that you want to be seen. And so people show you what you would appreciate, what would be attractive to you because they want you to like them, they want you to accept them. And that's all good and fair and well. Give it some time though. If you want to get to know someone and know, are they going to be able to give me what I need? It's going to take time. You're going to notice in three to four months, things start to change a little bit. It's not that the person has changed. This has been the person all along. They're just now a little more comfortable to reveal other parts of them. And as we reveal other parts of us, people react to it. And now we're waiting, we we see their reaction, and their reaction either makes us feel a little more safe and secure that we could actually be this person, continue to relax in ourselves, and we're going to reveal a little more about us, or we start to shut down, we start to feel like, wait a second, this person is not accepting me for who I am. Now, the shutting down or the reaching out to discuss and resolve the problem also is a part of who we are. It's not like, you know, who you've met in the first three to four months is the the whole person. I've been I've been dating someone for five years, and I'm still learning bits and pieces about this person, and this person is still learning bits and pieces about me. And the reason for that is when we start to get a little more comfortable with people, for example, there's one thing I used to never do when we met. So in my in my uh culture, I'm from Guyana, we chew our bones, chicken bones, you know, you eat it, we chew the bones, and we really do a good job for the most part. Most of us do a really good job at chewing the bones. When I met my partner, I was just not comfortable because I'd gathered information from him through, you know, his conversations and looking at the way he eats and stuff like that, that he doesn't chew bones. And it's considered weird in you know most of the uh most of the American culture. Or at least a culture in Manhattan. I can't say most of American, but most of the the Manhattan culture. And so I didn't. I went to my sister's place and he was with me, and I went into another part of the kitchen, and I hid there and I chewed on my bones. And and that's because I I wanted him to appreciate me, but that wasn't me. It wasn't me. It was a false pretensive me who wanted to be liked and accepted and not criticized or not looked at weirdly. But as I started to become secure within myself, I thought, you know what, to heck with it. I'm gonna have the chicken bone, I'm gonna chew it. And if this is a part of me that he can't accept, then that's okay. If he feels like he needs to leave because of this, that's okay. Now, of course, there's a time and place, we're not gonna do that in a restaurant, but you know, you know, it's like we all reveal sides of ourselves as we grow in the relationship and as we grow into ourselves, as we become more comfortable. So we have to allow people the opportunity to become. We're all becoming, we're never going to be the same person as we always were. And it's been one of the most disappointing things for people in relationships. You you get into the relationship, you believe that the relationship is this particular way, and you just don't want it to change. People, human beings, we're supposed to change, we're supposed to evolve. Can we evolve together? That is one thing. Or are we going to change and evolve differently or in a way that our partner is not comfortable? And then we have to go our separate ways. And that might call for a divorce or a breakup, and it's painful, it's hurtful. And most of us can't handle it. I remember a time when when breakups they were absolutely devastating. And I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine a few years ago, and she said, Oh, I'm so happy that you're a relationship coach and you bring people together. And I realized then that I'm not that. I am I've mastered letting go without the anger and the hatred, and you know, the yes, there's disappointment, yes, there's sadness, yes, there's pain, but there's the acceptance of all relationships will end some way or the other. You know, death is is an inevitable thing. So that's one way of relationships ending. And I've I believe that I've come to a point where I'm very good at endings, and that's something that I wanted to talk about as I talk about talked about, you know, first seeing people for who they are, accepting them for who they are, instead of getting caught up with the anger of they're not who they were in the first few months and they've changed, and now I need to change them back because this is so frustrating, and it's I'd rather try to change them than change myself or walk away from this because it's so painful. And we are we're going through this in relationships and we're getting all of the awareness, but we don't have techniques or the skills to manage things or emotions when things come to an end. Breathing, breathing, I know we're hearing about this over and over, and it seems woo-woo, and it's too spiritual and all of it, but breathing has been the thing. I've started doing deep breathing exercises and meditation when I was 27. Am I consistent with it? Unfortunately, no. Am I always striving to be more consistent? Yes. But one thing that has helped me, it's breathing exercises. My body now kicks into it whenever I'm stressed. And it has been one of the things that, at least in the last three years, that has kept me to some degree incredibly calm. And that's what you want. You want to find a place where you could get to calm before you speak, before you make a decision. When you're able to breathe deeply and controlled, and you could calm your nervous system, you are going to be able to control your responses and reactions. And there are many things that that you know it adds on to just breathing. Breathing is not the only thing, it's what you're eating, how you're sleeping, but we'll talk about that in another podcast. Right now, I want to talk about the importance of breathing. Most of us just do it automatically, but our body isn't getting enough oxygen. And if our body is not getting enough oxygen, our brain is unable to absorb that oxygen so that it can relax, it can process. Breathing is so incredibly important for our nervous system. When someone needs to run that fight or flight, it's increased breathing. You need more oxygen, you need to push. But when you're in a relaxed state, you don't need that much. Now, when the when we can breathe, even if it's a fight flight, breathing has a lot to do with how we think and how we process. If we're unable to breathe properly, we can't think clearly. So I would encourage you to start practicing every day breathing exercises. You could start with five minutes every day in the morning, whenever you choose. I'm not someone who's going to restrict you to time or even think that you should be. Start, if you're starting off, start with five minutes of practiced breathing, intentional breathing exercises. You could go online, I'm going to put it in a notes, a few techniques that I try. And try to do that every day. Maybe give yourself two months. Maybe. Try as hard as you can and then increase it. Increase it to maybe three or four times whenever you're comfortable. You don't have to wait for two months. You could do it after a week or two weeks. But try to get your body into the practice of breathing and see how that makes you feel. Now, the thing about the emotional and spiritual healing is that you don't see the results until you actually need to tap into it. I uh breathing, I noticed it's it started to really help me when I started going through perimenopause, and I would wake up three o'clock in the morning and I just can't go to sleep, and I'm completely wired, and it feels like I'm I could you know start work at three o'clock in the morning, but I knew it wasn't healthy for me because I was only getting about four hours of sleep. And the very second day this happened, and I figured out I had figured out the first night what was going on with my body. The second night it happened, my body just automatically went into very deep breathing as I was laying there, and I just went right back to sleep. And I was telling my therapist, I was like, it's incredible that you know, this is something I started at 27, and now my body just thought on its own, oh, she's stressed out, she's not sleeping, cortisol level is going up. Let's just try getting into breathing and relaxing. So it's the thing about emotional healing, spiritual healing, you're not gonna see the results as quickly as you would, like if you just started going to the gym, you're gonna see your muscles bulging out in a few weeks. But it will show up when you need it the most. So it's important that you have faith. It's kind of like a bamboo tree. You have to water that bamboo seed or shoot, I think it's a seed, which is in the earth for about eight to nine years. You don't see anything, but you keep watering it, and you just have to have faith that that that that tree is going to shoot out. And that's what spiritual healing is like. You keep at it, keep at it, and one day, one day, you are going to see the results, and you're gonna look back and say, Oh my gosh, I used to react differently to these things. I used to react differently to when people can't give me what I asked for or what I need. I used to get upset, I used to get frustrated and angry. And now I could just look at it and say, Okay, it's just who this person is. And now do I ask myself, can I stay with this? Or do I leave, or do I do nothing and wait to see how it plays out? And you're just able to make a better decision for yourself and everyone around you. I hope this helps with whatever it is you're going through out there. And it's very early in the morning for me in New York City. Wherever you are, I hope you have a great day or a great evening if you're listening to this at night. Until next time, I'm your host, Annalisa Bahadur, and this is another episode of Decoding Attachment Styles.